Conscious loving

Are you offering your loved ones ‘Conscious loving’?

If I’d been asked that question 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have had a clue, but now I know ‘conscious loving’ is the vital key to the success of all relationships. The ability to ‘consciously love’ is probably one of the most complex yet rewarding strengths you can possess.

The practice of mindfulness and yoga has helped me to understand over the years that there are no prerequisites for love. In other words, loving another human being is about ‘conscious’ loving and that means, not fearing, not running, not numbing your feelings and more importantly not blaming or making others responsible whenever there is conflict.

Love and intimacy is not about needing to be loved back, it’s about our capacity to ‘consciously love’ and understand ourselves first and then it’s about our capability to consciously as well as freely give love and understanding to others. Conscious love is about being unquestionably truthful, vulnerable and continually supportive towards ourselves and others.

In my relationship with my husband, we are both conscious individuals and by ‘conscious’, I mean that we practice yoga and meditation, we read books and articles about self-development and we both understand fully what it means to be an ‘observer of yourself’ or to ‘look inside’.

Becoming the ‘observer’ is about closely observing the way that you react when any kind of conflict arises, the moment that you notice how you react in different situations is the moment that you can make a conscious choice to alter your mind set in a way that will enhance and evolve your direction in life and in your relationships. This means, becoming more aware of how you personally see yourself, think about yourself and to closely scrutinise how this connects with your automatic behavioural patterns, impulses and feelings when there is contention, this is not an easy task.

One of the turning points for the positive evolvement of my relationship came after we both read ‘The Power of Now’ and ‘A New Earth’ about 5 Years ago. These two books taught us about what Eckhart Tolle calls ‘the ‘pain body’.

Basically, the ‘pain body’ is an emotional residue of tension that lives in you, it is habitual patterns, experiences or pain from your past which have become lodged in your mind and body and condition how you see the world. All of life’s experiences (good and bad), leave behind a residue of memory that lives on in you, so of course some people carry a heavier pain body than others. If we stay unconscious to this cycle, the same painful energy will keep repeating itself over and over in the future.

Your ‘pain body’s’ favourite person is your partner, family or someone that you are close to, because although we love them unconditionally, we often unconsciously and impulsively say things that hurt or provoke them, subsequently this can then trigger an enormous reaction from their own ‘pain body’.
However, the moment you are able to pause, become present and observe the energy from the pain body, (this may be in the form of anger, anxiety, stress, upset or perhaps a recurrent pattern of not feeling good enough and so on), when you take your attention to it, then the identification is broken because you have become more conscious and started the process of developing new neural pathways. You have now become the witness, the observer and even befriended your pain-body. This means that it cannot use you or control you anymore.

Therefore when both parties consciously choose to evolve like this together, whenever there is a disagreement, point of contention or differing of opinions, the relationship can only emphatically mature. In other words, for love to work, can we open our minds with compassion to each other’s ‘pain body’.

In my relationship if we see a reaction emerging in the form of a conflict or argument, we now acknowledge it by saying “you just triggered my ‘pain’body’ when you said that.” We are both much better now at developing the awareness to stay present, pause and give each other space before we say the wrong thing that will fuel a disagreement. Therefore because we understand each others ‘pain body’ this has deepened our love for each other too.

“What is commonly called “falling in love” is in most cases an intensification of egoic wanting and needing. You become addicted to another person, or rather to your image of that person. It has nothing to do with true love, which contains no wanting whatsoever.” – Eckhart Tolle – ‘A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose’.

Here are some guidelines that I devised dedicated to the success of ‘Conscious Loving’;

Conscious love doesn’t have needs or make demands.

Conscious love is about acknowledging that neither one of us are perfect and that is ok.

Conscious love is not about having all your shit worked out or never getting angry, but observing it and becoming aware of it when it surfaces.

Conscious love is about being open and intimate with each other.

Conscious love is about listening to each other’s point of view and learning about each other.

Conscious love is about respecting each other no matter what.

Conscious love is being supportive to each other in any given situation.

Conscious love is about trying your best to be non-judgmental, to understand each other and be compassionate towards each other.

Conscious love is about giving each other some ‘me time’ and space from time to time.

Conscious love is being open to your partner’s ‘inner craziness’ and also being open and vulnerable enough to allow yours to be seen too.

Conscious love is letting go of ego or the need to be right.

Conscious love is communicating truthfully, telling each other everything, trusting, sharing and being authentic.

Conscious love is about being able to accept each other, faults and all.

Conscious love is having a sense of humour and not always taking each other too seriously.

Conscious love is being able to let go of the past, stay present and to grow collectively together for the future.

Conscious love is loving each other as equals and to grow more consciously together.

I must also be brutally honest here; my husband and I are still work in progress with some of these guidelines and we certainly do not have a perfect relationship – if there is such a thing. Of course, we still have disagreements and say hurtful things to each other on occasion, but these occasions are becoming less these days. Often now, we are able to avoid a full-blown argument from ensuing, by recognising our ‘pain body’, both in ourselves and each other, then, it can no longer feed on past conditioned impulses and reactions. Gradually over time, its energy decreases, however, both parties must be devoted to the outcome.

My husband and I are both willing partners in ‘conscious love’. The anecdote to healing for us is to openly and calmly talk about how we feel. It’s quite simple really, when there is real closeness, honesty, understanding and compassion, there is forgiveness. Our relationship is certainly much stronger because we are more sincere with each other and we are not afraid to show our vulnerability, the side that we hide most from the rest of the world. As a result, the way that we experience intimacy has changed dramatically, our love has become a love that now recognises as well as acknowledges both the negative and positive aspects of each others psyche.

This is obviously a lifetime of practice and a lot of shadow work and it takes a very high level of awareness to address the shadow, but eventually there will be a more meaningful communication between yourself and your loved ones. When we can begin to love one another more consciously and more intimately, our relationships and friendships shift towards becoming more intuitive, more caring as well as more compassionate.

” The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over. There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused. This is also the end of all co-dependency, of being drawn into somebody else’s unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate – in love – or move ever more deeply into the Now together – into Being.” – Eckhart Tolle, ‘The Power of Now’.

Ultimately, the secret to keeping a close, loving and fulfilling relationship, is for both parties to participate fully and be completely committed to ‘conscious love’ and ‘conscious growth’ together.

With conscious love  Brigitte xxx